The Chiropractor's Office

A few weeks ago I had excruciating back pain.  Bad enough that when I cough or sneeze, it makes me want to stop it... So when a friend of mine told me of a friend who is an intern to a chiropractor who might be willing to "cure" me, I was delighted.

It's not exactly one of those clinical trials or "drug testing on animals," but at $15.00 per visit, it does sound like a scam.  I assure you, it is not.

So goes my first EVER visit to a chiropractor.  I love massages and the sound of cracking bones do not intimidate me at all, so I happily filled up the First Time Visitor chart.  What followed is a thorough examination of my health, apparently, including mental.

I do not really expect anything special from these things because I am happy to report that I have never been hospitalized, do not smoke, and thanks to my school's Community Pact, do not drink.  Then came the blood pressure examination...

As Nate (the intern) was prepping me for the test, he wrapped the inflatable pad on my arms.  "I don't believe this," he declares, "I never had to use this before, but here it is." He proceeded to take off the inflatable pad and out of his gym/doctor bag comes out this taxi-yellow-with-rainbow-polka-dots-number.  He is fitting me for the children's blood pressure equipment!!! 

If you know me, you know that I have a thousand and one retort for this kind of situation.  But it was difficult to do so, because I have a thermometer in my mouth. All I could do is sit there and think, (1) I do at least 4 kinds of weight lifting exercise on my arm and yet I ended up with the Sponge Bob blood pressure kit, and (2) what kind of a world we live in when they have instruments that take blood pressure reading off seven-year-olds?

On to my ailment, Nate asks, "From a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the most painful experience you had in your life, how do you rate this pain? (Errr... are we counting the decline of the UBS stock from $38 to $8?) I said "seven" because I like the sound of it.

After an hour of eye test, ear test, medical history, etc., I was asked to wear those basketball shorts (the ones that Jabbar wore in the 70s) and a hospital gown.  I was lying face down as he inspect my back. Then he proceeded to give me "adjustments."

It is a very curious thing when a doctor asks you to hold your arm across your chest, then he has your legs in between his, then he scoops you up tight to hold your upper body weight and then say, "Relax."  ... Yeah, that's going to happen...  I was asked to take a deep breath, and as soon as I exhaled, craak-a-ta-tak! My mid-back just got adjusted and I felt it!  I could almost swear I walked out of there at least half an inch taller now that my back is straightened out.

The whole time, Nate and the doctor were consulting about the procedure, identifying my body parts in their scientific names.  The CSI-geek in me is thinking, "Wow, people DO talk that way." Whatever you do boys, just stay away from my gluteus maximus.

So, two more appointments later, I am free of pain... at least, of the chiropractic-kind.